Hi, fans. Today is another example of a post gone wrong.
To set up the story, we need to go back in time, back to a fall morning many years ago, when I was born. After a year of booties, my mother bought me a pair of baby flip flops. I liked the smell and feel of this new foot ware. I could bend them, manipulate them to my will! They smelled like rubber, which I thought of years later when I got interested in S&M. Anyways, for years and years, I wore a pair of flip flops...or nothing at all.
For the past few years, I have been wearing size medium flip flops in royal blue. They're not the greatest flip flops, and they are not practical in winter, but they're comfortable. In the winter, I wear them with socks.
A couple of weeks ago I went with some of the SUS inmates to the city to look at Christmas decorations. I was in New York for hours. Whenever I travel to New York on the subway, there is always a lot of tension before I go. There are the inmates, for one thing. And for another, I worry about being cold in the street and walking. Remember, I have been sitting at my computer for years. It is hard for me to walk even a block to the grocery store.
As I dressed for my Manhatten "trial run" in gloves, hat and scarf, sweatshirt and leather jacket, I looked down at my flip flops and said, "These flips flops look like shit."
I sighed noisily.
"The sides are loose and the bottoms are shredded."
Double shit.
"Fine," I said. "I'll go the the 99 Cent Store and buy new ones."
Off I went to the 99 Cent Store. I could have gone to Target, but as a guy who spends all his money on software and cameras, why pay more than 99 cents for flip flops?
I quickly found the flip flops in aisle six, next to the athletic supporters. One display had royal blue flip flops. The other display was identical, except for the addition of a special "bonus pair." Along with the pair of royal blue flip flops, this pair included ONE black flip flop. I squinted at it through the plastic packaging.
Now I've already said I like a bargain. Why would I buy the first pair, when I could get the "bonus pair" for free? At this cost, I could buy two pair and get ONE black PAIR, which I could wear for whatever.
On my way home I chuckled. Something was so funny about these black flip flops. I laughed as hard as I did when I sent my last spam email. When my friend Bob knocked on my door, I was still laughing.
"What's so funny, master?" Bob asked.
"I have another great post today. Look at this," I said.
I opened the 99 Cent Store bag and showed Bob the flip flops in the plastic packages. "They sell you a pair of blue flip flops, and then they throw in an extra bonus of a black flip flop. But think about it. What are you supposed to do with ONE black flip flop? Just wear one shoe? Ha Ha Ha!"
I explained how I bought another pair of flip flops, just so I could have a pair of black flip flops. Still laughing, I sat down and hunched over my computer, pounding out my latest post.
Bob cleared his throat.
"Whatever it is, not now," I said. "I'm in the zone."
"Tarquin, you better unzone, because I opened the package -- and it isn't a pair of blue flip flops and one black flip flop. It is two pairs of poorly made blue flip flops and one pair of equally poor black flip flops. There are TWO black flip flops, not one."
"Shit!" I said, my mood falling like a body from the top of the Empire State Building. "So that means my whole post is dead."
"Well, you could do what you usually do," said Bob.
"Lie? On my blog?" I started laughing again. "Just give me a minute to spin it."
"Yes, sir."
I struggled for awhile but couldn't come up with anything as good as the tale of the single black flip flop. I procrastinated and downloaded some software. I tried on the new flip flops. As you can see, not only were the 99 Cent flip flops bad quality, but I realized they were too big.
The situation sucked. Since I bought two packages of the flip flops, I now had four pairs of crappy flip flops -- two pairs of blue and two pairs of black. Still, a blog post is a blog post, and the truth sounded better than anything else. THIS time.
