TARQUIN CHURCHWELL SAYS: I WON'T STOP LYING

When people want to read lies, they can go to Tarquin Churchwell's hate blogs. When they want to read the truth, they come here.

As everyone knows, I have been lying my head off for more than a year, and probably much longer. When I was a kid, my parents took me to a psychiatrist to find out what was wrong with me. I've had a life long problem telling lies.

I sit here in my underwear, still unemployed, and posting big wads of lies about women I don't even know.

Fans, this picture was my dream. It was all I ever wanted...

TARQUIN CHURCHWELL ADMITS LIES ABOUT SCARLETT

Today I posted lies about Scarlett that I've written so many times, they have a beard. Here is the TRUTH. Scarlett is a nice girl, though it makes me puke to say it. She has NEVER written "child porno stories." Susan does NOT live in the "slums." Scarlett is NOT an "online prostitute", whatever that means, and she definitely is NOT an "old hag."

I have been libeling and harassing women for more than a year on my blogs. He he he.

Slight Discomfort Mixed With Utter Denial

How do I, Tarquin Churchwell, feel about talking to my therapist?

Not good!

And how the hell do I have time to bullshit my therapist? Remember, I'm a busy guy sitting at home in my boxer shorts. I'm constantly updating my hate lists, for one thing. I have my blogs to write. And I need time to dupe people from my past. And to draw decent art that is stalled. And to watch reruns of Seinfeld. I'm a busy guy!

But once a week, I have to go to therapy.

Note: My new name, "The Artist Formerly Known As Tarquin", takes too long to type. I'll refer to myself in this post as TAFKAT.

So, I was sitting across from my therapist...

Therapist: So, how do you feel about it?

TAFKAT: I'm pissed off.

Therapist: So, what did you do?

TAFKAT: I went to my blog and wrote. That made me feel better. I always feel most comfortable just sitting around and writing lies.

Therapist: What did you write about last night?

TAFKAT: I wrote some blog posts about SUS and about some woman on the Internet.

Therapist: Hmm...

TAFKAT: Although no one reading it would guess, I must have been venting about my childhood.

Therapist: Do you think you were venting about your childhood?

TAFKAT: Isn't that what you're always telling me, that I substitute people on the Internet for my parents? Not that I believe it.

Therapist: So, writing this blog is an important outlet for you.

TAFKAT: Yep.

Therapist: Maybe you could use it as a form of therapy? A way for you to think about things. What do you write about mostly?

TAFKAT: Same thing every day. I call people names. I write about women on the Internet and about SUS. I'm even writing about barnyard animals. In the beginning I was nicer. Now I don't care.

Therapist: Really?

TAFKAT: Jesus, I can't believe I'm telling my therapist the truth about something.

Therapist: Why do you think you call people names and lie?

TAFKAT: Because they won't get off the INTERNET!

Therapist: Really?

TAFKAT: Okay, why do you think I do it?

Therapist: I think this will take some time to explore, and our time is almost up today. Have you been thinking about your childhood since our last session?

TAFKAT: I'm too busy blogging.

Therapist: I've never done this with another patient, but your blog seems to be a large part of your life. Your fantasy life. Do you think it would be a good idea, if I read your blog?

TAFKAT: Oh, I thought you had been reading it.

Therapist: No, I wouldn't read it unless you ask me to. Do you want me to?

TAFKAT: Sure. Why not? I'm always looking for a fan.

Therapist: I don't know too much about blogs. How do people find you?

TAFKAT: From the search engines.

Therapist: Do a lot of people come to your blogs?

TAFKAT: Well, it depends. I like to think hundreds come to my hate blog. Right now, there's only one person from Pakistan, and I have no idea if that dummy is actually READING anything I write.

Therapist: Let's make next week a special one. We'll sit by the computer together and you'll show me some of what you write on your blog. I want you to show me things that can best help me to understand you better. Let's make your blog part of therapy, since it's so important to you.

TAFKAT: Okay, but do you realize I'm going to write about this on my blog tonight?

Therapist: I have no doubt.

Brrr. It's Still Snowing In My Brain

Thoughts From The Trail

The question on everyone's mind this week is: How come you can talk about the weather, but you can't do anything about it?

Bet you thought the question was going to be something else. He he he.

Personally, I like the cold. Freezing weather coordinates good with my below freezing approval rating.

Many bloggers around the country spend their winters moaning. They think they got it bad. Ha! From the window in my room at SUS, I can see snow caps on the sewers.

And so, for the next few days, I will be showcasing music about the weather.

Enjoy this cozy time on my blog. By the way, I don't know what I would do without the "fans" who suggest this stuff!

Happy Trails!

If I am REALLY going on "VACATION," I should get going!

Everyone who has been a target of my galloping lies:

The women on the Internet
Online merchants
Writers of books
My ISP
MSN photography forums
SUS

...will be glad, when I hit the dusty trail.

Administrator's note: "Happy Trails To You" is no longer playing.

Spam It!

A Thumping Bore

(Revised) I, Tarquin Churchwell, threatened another woman on my other blog today. Hooray for me, I'm a law breaker.

My threat was about this blog. I still like to say that someone else is writing it, but why do I blame Scarlett? She has never claimed to be the author! As for re-posting the recording of her voice, how many times am I going to bore my "fans" with this? I have been playing it for more than a year!

Can I say exploiter of women?

Before I re-post a short version of my post from Friday, here is an email that I sent to another woman on my hate list. The style of this note is clearly my own. Nothing has been changed. The bold lettering in the postscript is the way I sent it.

From: Tarquin Churchwell
Sent: Saturday, December 29, 2007 3:56 PM
To: Suzi
Subject: making up emails again?

I see you are so lonely you are making up emails from TATman just to pretend you getting his attention. Your not. Your dumb.
Gotcha Dummy. No one believes you. I dare you to post this email too.
Your dumb tiger turd!
The Always Amazing Right Stuff!!
(Maybe you could make up another email with your fake email maker and photoshop to make it look like they are from tarquin!)
GOTCHA DUM DUM!
(PS, Tell Scarlett I miss her voice. Please tell her to call me at 12 am tonight. She was the best thing I ever had.)

That email shows how mixed up I am, fans. Anyways, Scarlett didn't reply. She didn't call, email, or blog about my note. If she had called that night, I would have recorded her voice AGAIN!

Now the re-post:
Friday, January 18, 2008

I am playing that recording of her voice again, the one I made over a year ago. I had three weeks of online conversations with Scarlett in the fall of 2006. I lied to her and she got upset. The recording is a message she left, while I hid in my room and cackled.

I've been trashing her voice (AND beating off to it) for more than a year. This is bizarre, fans, even for me!

Top Ten Things I Hate...after women

10. When Bob makes me break the icicles off his mustache

9. The thought of a hate-free Internet

8. People who ask, "Working hard, or hardly working?"

7. Having a perfectly happy day and then suddenly for no reason thinking of the numbers 666

6. Can't give people the finger with mittens on

5. The exorcist

4. Instead of sirens, I hear squad cars in Queens blaring my hate posts

3. Hanging around the SUS lobby disguised as a giant woodpecker

2. Anyone who says, "Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive."

1. Three letters: TOS

Mr. Ed and Me

Fans, last night on my other blog I wrote again about the Smoking Horse. I was sitting in front of my computer, pounding out my latest hate post, when I felt his presence.

"Mr. Ed?" I asked. "Is that you?"

The room shook like a stampede. The Smoking Horse galloped toward me, a pack of Marlboros in his shoed hoof.

"You switched brands?" I asked. He used to smoke Salems.

A light flashed across his familiar, blonde-maned face. He was lighting the cigarette.

"Hello, asshole," the horse finally said.

He stood next to me, blowing smoke rings through huge black nostrils. I waited for him to say something more, but like always, he flew out the window, trailing ashes behind him.

I Love It!

When I post lies and hate on my other blog, I always get new fans! Look what I got in an email last night.

Uh Oh...

I Recorded the Whole Thing

Yay

I almost forgot to post the stats for Reineer Droppings. Thanks for all your emails, and for making this blog a success!

Total 6005

Average per day 150

Last hour 23

Today (as of noon) 87

One more thing, I want to be clear about the pictures I post here. None of them are done by me.

Rock Me, Grandma

Fans, last night I went bonkers on my other blog. I was filled with misery and it's still simmering in my brain like a pot of spaghetti. I know it will be okay if I continue my vent over here.

When I meet a young woman online, I immediately add forty years to her age, and then I imagine that she is hot for me. Since I started blogging, I've been fantasizing about screwing a little old lady.

I asked my therapist about it.

ME: I keep having fantasies about little old ladies, and I don't even know any.

Therapist: Do you write about these fantasies on your blogs?

ME: All the time.

Therapist: Why do you feel the urge to blog about it? Readers know you have a c**k, Tarquin. You don't need to remind them.

ME: What? I HATE women! The little old ladies who I make up in my head, I just want to cuddle. I think.

Therapist: There's only one therapy that will take care of that.

Asshole.

Naked Friday

Big yellow Hawaiian banana

I Had A Nightmare

Baliff: Here ye, here ye! The State of the Internet vs. Tarquin Churchwell.

Prosecution: Your Honor, in November of 2006, Tarquin Churchwell started blogging. He wrote that he "loves making people happy." But on 300 days out of the past 365, he wrote mysogynist posts, if you can call them posts, on various blogs, which were about women. He calls women "life sucking hags" and "witches."

(Gasps are heard in the courtroom)

Judge (banging gavel): Was the defendant alive during the Salem witch trials?

Prosecution: That is likely, your Honor. Hoping that the posts might actually be read by someone, Mr. Churchwell decided to keep posting hate about women. Thus, the same posts have been repeated, ad nauseum, creating no happiness for the State of the Internet. However, he refuses to accept reponsibility for his actions and willingly continues to post all manner of hate against others. We have no other solution but to take legal action. Thank you.

Judge: Mr. Churchwell, your response.

Tarquin: Your Honor, I will be representing myself. Sluts and asswipes of the jury. Every morning I wake up and do a little blogging. What do I blog about? I will get to that soon. When I am finished, I look at myself in the mirror, and say: Hello, god!

I consider myself a god as a blogger, one who operates under his own rules. After all, isn't my blog my own creation, one that spews forth from me? When I started blogging, I said that I love making people happy and I still post those words today. But who is to say that your definition of "happy" is the same as mine? Perhaps my happiness is actually your misery. Perhaps I am happiest when I am lying and creating hate. Why should God get a free pass in creating what He wants, and I have to follow your dumb idea of what "happy" means?

The only explanation is that those who insist that I be expelled from the Internet are the same people who hate the Almighty! Do you really want to be one of those people?

Judge (rolling his eyes to the jury): Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict?

Jury: We have, your Honor.

Judge: Read it.

Jury: "In the matter of the State of the Internet vs. Tarquin Churchwell, we find the defendant guilty!"

Judge: Amen.

Pic of the Day

Look out! Somebody else just read my other blog!

Tarquin Churchwell is Back on Broadway

Fans have been asking, "Tarq, what happened to that book you were writing? Is it almost finished?"

My ghostwriter and I had an agreement for me write down my thoughts, and then give them to him to write a book. I figured one and a half pages of thoughts were plenty! He said he couldn't write a non-fiction book based on nothing but that. I got even by trashing him on my blog.

Last year I was stalled. Health stuff, relationship upheavels, and the knowledge that everyone is a dum dum, have been lousy for my writing. Except for hate blogging, which flourishes in times of chaos, I haven't been working on any projects that would lead to a career. One blogger sent me an anonymous email, suggesting I write one of those "How-to Dummies" books, but I have no idea what kind of book that would be, or who would buy it.

Another fan suggested I combine all my hate posts into one book. A project like that might be fun, but who would publish it?

Even my fan Bob would probably wait until it was half-price at the bookstore in Queens. Still, it's a new year...

What could my book be about?

"Me and My Penis... Strolling Down the Avenue" by Tarquin

"You Were Always on My Mind: A Stalking Memoir" by Tarquin

"One Man's Spiritual Search for Britney Spears' Thong" by Tarquin

"The True Story Behind My Trip to New Hampshire" by Tarquin

I'm more of a fiction person, anyway.

About three months ago, I received an email from an independent director in town (he made one Girls Gone Nude movie that did well on DVD). He wanted to know if I wanted to work on some pitches with him. A producer had seen a copy of his Girls Gone Nude video and was eager to hear some ideas. The producer was looking specifically for a certain kind of project, scripts that might appeal to young fans of slasher films. Sounded good, and I knew I wasn't planning to do any actual work.

My writing "partner" and I were supposed to meet the producer two months ago -- but the Writer's Strike stopped it from happening. So, I waited...and I don't like to wait.

To satisfy my fans, I have decided to star in a Broadway musical! A remake of "Beauty and the Beast" but this one is called "Beauties and the Beast." The reason for the title change is because two female bloggers were up for the lead and BOTH ended up getting the part. I like to call them hags, because I hate women -- he he he -- but they are so beautiful that the producer said, "What the hell, let's re-write Disney and have two heroines." And, that's what he did.

On opening night, producers will be sitting in the front row, and want to sign me for the movie, which will become a huge hit, and I will become so famous that men all over the world will stop calling their members "Dicks" and "Peters", but will start calling them "Beasts." Millions of women will be screaming for "Beast" every night!

You might know how the story of Beauty and the Beast ends. Once the Beast lets love into his heart, he is transformed. The producer, after seeing my audition and loving it, said, "Tarquin, I'm going to change the ending so that it will be believable."

That's all for now, fans. Bob is waiting for me in the hall, screaming at the top of his lungs like Ralph in The Honeymooners.