Baliff: Here ye, here ye! The State of the Internet vs. Tarquin Churchwell.
Prosecution: Your Honor, in November of 2006, Tarquin Churchwell started blogging. He wrote that he "loves making people happy." But on 300 days out of the past 365, he wrote mysogynist posts, if you can call them posts, on various blogs, which were about women. He calls women "life sucking hags" and "witches."
(Gasps are heard in the courtroom)
Judge (banging gavel): Was the defendant alive during the Salem witch trials?
Prosecution: That is likely, your Honor. Hoping that the posts might actually be read by someone, Mr. Churchwell decided to keep posting hate about women. Thus, the same posts have been repeated, ad nauseum, creating no happiness for the State of the Internet. However, he refuses to accept reponsibility for his actions and willingly continues to post all manner of hate against others. We have no other solution but to take legal action. Thank you.
Judge: Mr. Churchwell, your response.
Tarquin: Your Honor, I will be representing myself. Sluts and asswipes of the jury. Every morning I wake up and do a little blogging. What do I blog about? I will get to that soon. When I am finished, I look at myself in the mirror, and say: Hello, god!
I consider myself a god as a blogger, one who operates under his own rules. After all, isn't my blog my own creation, one that spews forth from me? When I started blogging, I said that I love making people happy and I still post those words today. But who is to say that your definition of "happy" is the same as mine? Perhaps my happiness is actually your misery. Perhaps I am happiest when I am lying and creating hate. Why should God get a free pass in creating what He wants, and I have to follow your dumb idea of what "happy" means?
The only explanation is that those who insist that I be expelled from the Internet are the same people who hate the Almighty! Do you really want to be one of those people?
Judge (rolling his eyes to the jury): Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict?
Jury: We have, your Honor.
Judge: Read it.
Jury: "In the matter of the State of the Internet vs. Tarquin Churchwell, we find the defendant guilty!"
Judge: Amen.
