Tarquin Churchwell's New Year Resolutions

If there's anyone who needs to make a list of New Year's resolutions, it's me, Tarquin Churchwell! Here are my Top Ten resolutions for 2008:

10. Start new diet of cheese-filled weenies

9. Stop calling Mr. Barnett at 3:00 AM for relationship advice

8. Finally get named People magazine's "Creepiest Man Alive"

7. Limit myself to four hours of Internet phone sex per day

6. Update my hate lists

5. Raise financial backing for my one man ice show -- TARQCAPADES

4. As a plea for Scarlett's forgiveness, sit for three days in a bathtub full of grits

3. At least once a week, break a law I've never broken before

2. Stop laughing when I refer to myself as the "morals guy"

1. Keep smiling