TARQUIN CHURCHWELL SAYS: I WON'T STOP LYING

When people want to read lies, they can go to Tarquin Churchwell's hate blogs. When they want to read the truth, they come here.

As everyone knows, I have been lying my head off for more than a year, and probably much longer. When I was a kid, my parents took me to a psychiatrist to find out what was wrong with me. I've had a life long problem telling lies.

I sit here in my underwear, still unemployed, and posting big wads of lies about women I don't even know.

Fans, this picture was my dream. It was all I ever wanted...

TARQUIN CHURCHWELL ADMITS LIES ABOUT SCARLETT

Today I posted lies about Scarlett that I've written so many times, they have a beard. Here is the TRUTH. Scarlett is a nice girl, though it makes me puke to say it. She has NEVER written "child porno stories." Susan does NOT live in the "slums." Scarlett is NOT an "online prostitute", whatever that means, and she definitely is NOT an "old hag."

I have been libeling and harassing women for more than a year on my blogs. He he he.

Slight Discomfort Mixed With Utter Denial

How do I, Tarquin Churchwell, feel about talking to my therapist?

Not good!

And how the hell do I have time to bullshit my therapist? Remember, I'm a busy guy sitting at home in my boxer shorts. I'm constantly updating my hate lists, for one thing. I have my blogs to write. And I need time to dupe people from my past. And to draw decent art that is stalled. And to watch reruns of Seinfeld. I'm a busy guy!

But once a week, I have to go to therapy.

Note: My new name, "The Artist Formerly Known As Tarquin", takes too long to type. I'll refer to myself in this post as TAFKAT.

So, I was sitting across from my therapist...

Therapist: So, how do you feel about it?

TAFKAT: I'm pissed off.

Therapist: So, what did you do?

TAFKAT: I went to my blog and wrote. That made me feel better. I always feel most comfortable just sitting around and writing lies.

Therapist: What did you write about last night?

TAFKAT: I wrote some blog posts about SUS and about some woman on the Internet.

Therapist: Hmm...

TAFKAT: Although no one reading it would guess, I must have been venting about my childhood.

Therapist: Do you think you were venting about your childhood?

TAFKAT: Isn't that what you're always telling me, that I substitute people on the Internet for my parents? Not that I believe it.

Therapist: So, writing this blog is an important outlet for you.

TAFKAT: Yep.

Therapist: Maybe you could use it as a form of therapy? A way for you to think about things. What do you write about mostly?

TAFKAT: Same thing every day. I call people names. I write about women on the Internet and about SUS. I'm even writing about barnyard animals. In the beginning I was nicer. Now I don't care.

Therapist: Really?

TAFKAT: Jesus, I can't believe I'm telling my therapist the truth about something.

Therapist: Why do you think you call people names and lie?

TAFKAT: Because they won't get off the INTERNET!

Therapist: Really?

TAFKAT: Okay, why do you think I do it?

Therapist: I think this will take some time to explore, and our time is almost up today. Have you been thinking about your childhood since our last session?

TAFKAT: I'm too busy blogging.

Therapist: I've never done this with another patient, but your blog seems to be a large part of your life. Your fantasy life. Do you think it would be a good idea, if I read your blog?

TAFKAT: Oh, I thought you had been reading it.

Therapist: No, I wouldn't read it unless you ask me to. Do you want me to?

TAFKAT: Sure. Why not? I'm always looking for a fan.

Therapist: I don't know too much about blogs. How do people find you?

TAFKAT: From the search engines.

Therapist: Do a lot of people come to your blogs?

TAFKAT: Well, it depends. I like to think hundreds come to my hate blog. Right now, there's only one person from Pakistan, and I have no idea if that dummy is actually READING anything I write.

Therapist: Let's make next week a special one. We'll sit by the computer together and you'll show me some of what you write on your blog. I want you to show me things that can best help me to understand you better. Let's make your blog part of therapy, since it's so important to you.

TAFKAT: Okay, but do you realize I'm going to write about this on my blog tonight?

Therapist: I have no doubt.