Fans have been asking, "Tarq, what happened to that book you were writing? Is it almost finished?"
My ghostwriter and I had an agreement for me write down my thoughts, and then give them to him to write a book. I figured one and a half pages of thoughts were plenty! He said he couldn't write a non-fiction book based on nothing but that. I got even by trashing him on my blog.
Last year I was stalled. Health stuff, relationship upheavels, and the knowledge that everyone is a dum dum, have been lousy for my writing. Except for hate blogging, which flourishes in times of chaos, I haven't been working on any projects that would lead to a career. One blogger sent me an anonymous email, suggesting I write one of those "How-to Dummies" books, but I have no idea what kind of book that would be, or who would buy it.
My ghostwriter and I had an agreement for me write down my thoughts, and then give them to him to write a book. I figured one and a half pages of thoughts were plenty! He said he couldn't write a non-fiction book based on nothing but that. I got even by trashing him on my blog.
Last year I was stalled. Health stuff, relationship upheavels, and the knowledge that everyone is a dum dum, have been lousy for my writing. Except for hate blogging, which flourishes in times of chaos, I haven't been working on any projects that would lead to a career. One blogger sent me an anonymous email, suggesting I write one of those "How-to Dummies" books, but I have no idea what kind of book that would be, or who would buy it.
Another fan suggested I combine all my hate posts into one book. A project like that might be fun, but who would publish it?
Even my fan Bob would probably wait until it was half-price at the bookstore in Queens. Still, it's a new year...
What could my book be about?
"Me and My Penis... Strolling Down the Avenue" by Tarquin
"You Were Always on My Mind: A Stalking Memoir" by Tarquin
"One Man's Spiritual Search for Britney Spears' Thong" by Tarquin
"The True Story Behind My Trip to New Hampshire" by Tarquin
I'm more of a fiction person, anyway.
About three months ago, I received an email from an independent director in town (he made one Girls Gone Nude movie that did well on DVD). He wanted to know if I wanted to work on some pitches with him. A producer had seen a copy of his Girls Gone Nude video and was eager to hear some ideas. The producer was looking specifically for a certain kind of project, scripts that might appeal to young fans of slasher films. Sounded good, and I knew I wasn't planning to do any actual work.
My writing "partner" and I were supposed to meet the producer two months ago -- but the Writer's Strike stopped it from happening. So, I waited...and I don't like to wait.
To satisfy my fans, I have decided to star in a Broadway musical! A remake of "Beauty and the Beast" but this one is called "Beauties and the Beast." The reason for the title change is because two female bloggers were up for the lead and BOTH ended up getting the part. I like to call them hags, because I hate women -- he he he -- but they are so beautiful that the producer said, "What the hell, let's re-write Disney and have two heroines." And, that's what he did.
On opening night, producers will be sitting in the front row, and want to sign me for the movie, which will become a huge hit, and I will become so famous that men all over the world will stop calling their members "Dicks" and "Peters", but will start calling them "Beasts." Millions of women will be screaming for "Beast" every night!
You might know how the story of Beauty and the Beast ends. Once the Beast lets love into his heart, he is transformed. The producer, after seeing my audition and loving it, said, "Tarquin, I'm going to change the ending so that it will be believable."
That's all for now, fans. Bob is waiting for me in the hall, screaming at the top of his lungs like Ralph in The Honeymooners.
