Not Really a Post

Thanksgving survivors meet in Central Park

See If I Care

Santa is gonna leave a lump of coal in my stocking.

Naked Friday

In the tradition of Hateful Monday and Fuck You Sunday, I, Tarquin Churchwell, would like to welcome you to my hottest blogging craze -- Naked Friday.

Yep, it's Friday. You've worked hard all week, unlike me. But before you go home and have a relaxing weekend, why not sit back while I tell you how dumb you are.

Ha ha ha! Why not look at pictures of semi-naked women, is what I meant to say.

Pictures like the one below don't faze me, fans. This is because I am an artist. I can look at naked pictures all day long, and never hear my penis talking inside my pants.

Anyone remember Caesar? He had a blog for awhile, then he stole a car and dropped out of sight. On my Bat Droppings blog there's a photo of him with a pumpkin tattooed across his butt. Anyways, this week Caesar (not his real name) emailed me again. Here it is:

From: "Caesar" ceasarl***@hotmail.com
To: "Tarquin Churchwell" tarquinchurchwell@msn.com
Subject: hottie in the haystack
Date: Tues, 04 December 2007 11:15:03 -0600

Tarquin,
Me and Chris are still hiding out. We left the Ozarks, and now we're living somewhere out west in a barn. We were fooling around the other night, playing Santa Claus, and Chris took pictures of me. Later Chris said, "Caesar, let's send this picture to our all friends in cyberland!" And, that's what we done! Check it out.

Up To You

As usual, I've been snapping reputations like twigs on a Christmas tree on my hater sites, so I decided to lug my bulk over here and post introspectively.

What, you didn't think I knew that word, or that I could spell it? You thought that if I hadn't spent so much of my life doing evil, I would've had time to learn how to spell? Well, you're a bunch of dum dums.

I hate you, bloggers. All you ever whine about is:
"Read me!" "Read me!"

And I'm no different. I'm like a trained pooch trying to get attention from the humans.

At least some bloggers get paid to write.

Or if I hadn't blown it with Scarlett last year, we could be having phone sex right now -- and that would be one person reading my blog.

"But no," she said. "You're a big fat liar!"

I would quit blogging right now, but I have too much hatred in my heart to not ruin everyone's holidays. Plus, I'm a Libra. Very wishy washy. That's why I'm going to let Fate decide. Whoever writes the SECOND comment -- I want you to tell me whether to continue blogging or to quit after Hannukah or Christmas. Whichever comes last.

YOUR DECISION will be final, fans. You will decide the future of Tarquin Churchwell...

This boot was made for stalking

You know You Want it

I look cool in hats. This is my new Santa hat. Anyone touches it, I'm gonna shove a North Pole right up your ass.

Top Ten Signs I'm Already Sick of the Holidays

There are still something like 20 shopping days left till Christmas, but I, Tarquin Churchwell, am already sick of the holidays. Here are the top ten signs:

10. I've got dark circles under my tattoos

9. I'm eating elf pot pie

8. When I hear, "Do you hear what I hear?," I scream, "No! I don't hear it, dum dum!"

7. I climb on the roof and start shooting SUS staff with my BB gun

6. Christmas trees are laughing at me

5. Instead of spending time with family, I'm thinking up lies to put on my blog

4. I got busted for riding the subway wearing nothing but a Santa hat

3. I got something that looks like eggnog coming out of my keyboard

2. My standard response, "And Merry Christmas to you too, asswipe"

1. Tinsel burn!

Bribing Santa

I was 8, when I wrote this note to Santa. The year

was 1920.

Welcome to My New Blog!

Welcome to Tarquin Churchwell's annual Christmas slash Hannukah slash atheist blog! This is the third and final blog in my trilogy of holiday blogs. My other blogs are listed below (the map pinpoints the geographical locations where they are based).

It's only going to get better from here!

Swerving across six lanes:

The Online Reporter wrote an article about me:
http://tarquinchurchwell-report.blogspot.com/

This is a "sneak preview" page:
http://tarquinchurchwellphoneconversations.blogspot.com/

A repulsed fan wrote this:
http://scarletttotchruchwellandall.blogspot.com/

And don't forget my trilogy:
http://tarquinchurchwell-droppings.blogspot.com
http://tarquinchurchwellbatdroppings.blogspot.com/

http://tarquinchurchwell-reindeerdroppings.blogspot.com